Capricorn: You spend too much time this month planning what you would do if you win the lottery and not enough getting on with the life you've got. Your casual acceptance of a partner's ever-growing facial hair leads to an argument later in the month. Lucky cartoon character: Daffy Duck Aquarius: Taking refuge behind the sofa, in the very spot where you used to hide from the catalogue woman, doesn't prevent a man with an unnecessary moustache from shouting 'gbna, bnag, anbg' through your letter box. It's not illegal but it is bang out of order. Pisces: Rejoice. This month is going to be one long party. The sort of shindig where the food is mediocre, the drink has been whittled down to a few bottles that have done the rounds of every other soiree and you are trapped in the corner with a bearded person who insists on telling you the fascinating details of their career in insurance. Enjoy. Aries: You love life but get a bit miffed when you discover that life just wants to be a friend and not get into any heavy commitment. But heh, you're an Aries so you leave your worries on the doorstep and go out and party. Too much drink and you end up in casualty after tripping over some worries, left on your doorstep by some careless so-and-so that you plan to kill just as soon as you get hold of them. Taurus: A bird in the bush is worth two in the hand if you're planning to spoil the broth. On the other hand you might find that the boot is on the other foot when the chips are down. You'll just have to cross that bridge when you come to it. Or if you're really clever cross the bridge before you come to it. Beware of groin strains if you try this at home. Lucky beard: A huge, bushy affair with planning permission for a granny annexe. Gemini: Your entry to the 'Beard Topiary' section of the Ffodos and District Annual Show and Sheep Fondling Day is frowned on by the judges. They don't say why but I suspect it's either because you're an 'incomer' or just because it's a year since they had a good frown. Morris dancers become important later in the month. Cancer: A knock on the door in the middle of the month reveals thirty dumb blondes standing in single file on your garden path. You tell them September's too cold for a Barbie-queue and they all throw down their emery boards and shuffle off to the bus stop. You order a new outfit from the catalogue. A sleeve and a pocket arrive the following week with a note to say that the rest will come in 36 easy instalments. Leo: The end of a relationship leaves you lost and listless. It's a bad luck, down-in-the-mouth sort of month I'm afraid. Money is tight and nothing is going to plan. You take a walk, hoping the rain will hide your tears but with every step your left foot gets wetter and wetter. Luckily there's a hole in your shoe so at least the water will drain out. Virgo: Now that the kids have all grown up and flown the nest you decide that you can afford to get a 'woman in to do'. After several days of exhausting and, quite frankly, exasperating interviews you take on a woman with good references (you decide to ignore her burgeoning moustache) who promises to start on the Monday week. She doesn't turn up. You tell the neighbours it's a blessing in disguise as there's not much housework now the kids have all grown up and flown the nest. Libra: Thirty days hath September, April, June and November. All the rest have thirty-one which is why this daft saying stops rhyming half way through. A plethora of exotic biscuits could be yours later in the month if you play your cards in the correct manner. Scorpio: The reclassification of a lump of rock, orbiting somewhere between Pluto and Llyswen, as a new planet called Fraggle19 means that stargazers everywhere have had to re-jig all their software. You are now on the cusp of Sagittarius and a bike shop in County Durham. My only hope is that you survive the month with your sanity intact. Lucky domestic appliance: The George Foreman Grill and Toilet Sanitiser Combo Oven (Remember - it's not available in any shops). Sagittarius: Your ability to simultaneously walk, talk and make loads of unnecessary hand gestures gets you the lead role in a No-win, No-Fee Compensation Solicitor advert. You go on to star in blockbusting beard and moustache movie called Hirsute's You Sir which makes you world famous. Sadly the end of the month brings disaster when your partner, fearing death from passive beard, shaves of all your excess hairy bits. Oh well, Skid Row's not so bad now they've put in the new one-way system.